COVID-19:
Finding Hope to Continue Research
Countless times over the last year, I've fallen in despair, lost motivation and even contemplated discontinuing my research. The raging pandemic has made life uncertain. I am tired of communicating through devices, missing my family and friends, and the constant stress of keeping oneself safe while trying to maintain a sense of wholesomeness to continue my research. It is crazy! Many of us continue to feel this way or have at some point during the pandemic.
In the last few months however, when I was most unproductive, I've also felt guilt. Guilt of having the privilege to stay home while many others die on the streets, in hospitals trying to access necessary supply of oxygen, life saving drugs, etc. How does one make sense of this extreme inequality and maintain any sense of sanity to continue research? I have struggled with this question everyday. In the process, experienced such level of despair that life truly felt hopeless. Nonetheless, I did manage to find the light at the end of the tunnel which is why I am writing this post.
In order to find hope one has to fight the urge of wallowing in self-pity and actively struggle to find hope. Following are strategies that I have learnt and developed in the last year which have helped me manage my anxiety, despair and hopelessness. They are not arranged in any particular order or suggest a single solution to a particular problem. Choose and try them as you see fit.
Advantage of Time
We often forget the advantage of time available to us as Doctoral students. There is often coursework in the 1st year of Doctoral studies which requires adhering to a timetable however, the following years give one the freedom to plan and schedule work at one's convenience. It is also important to realise that a Doctoral thesis is not a competition or comparison with others. While one's peers may finish their research proposal, start data collection or experimentation earlier than you because of several reasons, it is not in any way a reflection on your abilities as a researcher. Depth and not speed should be the measure of one's Doctoral work. If we are able to understand and work with this principle, it becomes easier to take a break from work when it is absolutely necessary.
Letting yourself feel Hopelessness
In moments of helplessness, when one is unable to get any work done, thinking of research related tasks added to my stress and guilt. Alternatively, I just let myself feel all the negative thoughts I was trying to block away. I read about the COVID situation in India, the bodies floating across our holy rivers, the systemic failure. However, I also found individuals and organisations working to help wherever necessary. Organisations asking for volunteers to donate their time digitally or contribute monetarily towards their relief efforts. I found ways to help in this hopeless situation.
I realised through this simple process that we are more resilient than we give ourselves credit. However, for us to find our resilience, we also need to feel all the negative emotions that we often do not want to experience, like despair or hopelessness. They are not easy to manage but if we continue to block them out we will always be ambivalent about them, mismanage them and worse still, let these feelings take over our lives again and again.
Today and Tomorrow
There is enough research to show that stress and anxiety messes with our brains and suspends our abilities to take well reasoned decisions. Hence, the old wisdom, "Don't take decisions in the heat of the moment".
I have as I mentioned earlier, contemplated quitting my research so many times in the last year but resisted the urge. Life would be so much easier if I just let go. No more research stress, no more writing or reading all of which require considerable mental effort. However, it may be necessary to remind ourselves of the purpose of research (considering you have one) and reasons of taking this path in the first place. Thinking about the long term plans now before taking any decision. It can be hard to think about long term especially when you are struggling with hopefulness, however do remember that this is not the first history altering event in the world, scientists continued to work in the middle of two World Wars, Cold war, the Indian independence struggle and the subsequent partition, to name just a few.
Alternatively, if events such as the pandemic have shift your approach to life and future plans in general, why hold yourself back? If research is not the path for you, do take the time to think of alternatives that are informed by long term commitments and consequences. Whatever one decides let that inspire and challenge you!
Toolkit for Hopelessness
Neil Boddington, a mental health advisor at Open University, U.K in a recently blogpost (find link below) shared the idea of creating a toolkit that helps one manage stress or overwhelming thoughts. The toolkit can comprise a number of things like books e.g. fiction, cartoons, short-stories; music or activities e.g. sports, painting, meditation, walking, gardening, playing with your pet, cleaning or organising your cupboard, writing a dairy entry about your feelings, etc. He suggests that more you add to your toolkit the more options you may have to become resilient.
I personally have added books such as Calvin & Hobbes, Ruskin Bond, Roald Dahl, Satyajit Ray's short stories, historical fiction/non-fiction in my toolkit. Watched dog videos, history or other videos on YouTube. This is also the time to binge on Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney or other streaming services. Along with activities such as gardening, crafts like making useful stuff from waste, exercising (very occasionally), doodling or writing a blog such as this one in my toolkit. Tara Brabazon's YouTube channel has often helped me with research related issues (find link below). Not all options work at all times so having a variety is useful.
Engaging in the above, helped me take my mind off anxiety, feelings of despair for that moment. This created space for calmness that made me feel positive, find solutions that were earlier far-fetched. Finding ways to deal with one's negative emotions left me feeling empowered.
Talk to People who Care
There is no doubt that it is important to find ways to manage negative emotions on your own to build resilience and find solutions to questions that may trouble us. However, talking to people around us may help us feel reassured, loved and cared through these troubling times for emotional strength, necessary to deal with negative emotions. Not everyone can relate to your worries or feel empathy for you as they may not really understand your perspective or be invested in your care. It is thus important to talk to people who you think genuinely care for you. I remember talking to my mother about my lack of research progress when she said, "It's ok, you will get to it eventually. Just take care of yourself now". It is not what she said, but the sense of care that I felt in her voice that made me feel better that day. On a different day, having my dog near me while I felt overwhelmed evoked a sense of care for him that made me forget about my own worries for a moment.
In addition, talking to mental health professionals like psychologist, counsellors online or over phone can be very beneficial. It is a myth that one should approach such professionals only if you pass a certain threshold of emotional stability which is socially appropriate. Talking to mental health professionals, like I have done in the past, helps one see patterns in one's emotional journey that we are unable to identity. e.g. sometimes the way we see a problem triggers anxiety in us. A mental health professional can help us better understand the issues and help us find strategies to deal with it better. In addition, I have found talking to a professional who is unbiased and equipped with tools, genuinely cathartic.
Picking up the Threads
Getting back to work after a long gap can be equally overwhelming. I've tried to jump back into the same routine which left me stressed and often with uncompleted tasks. It was rather helpful to start with only a few hours of work a day, with time to engage in things from one's toolkit (see section above).
I was listening to Michelle Obama being interviewed (see link from 6.45) by Stephen Colbert. He was asking her about dealing with depression (see link below to understand how it manifests) which is very common now especially during the pandemic and many people have experienced some form of it. She mentions a routine that is very simple but can be very hard to follow especially when you have nowhere to go and no social commitments to keep. As research students this is especially common since one is not associated with a formal working environment and one has to find ways to keep up motivation and work on their own. She says, "I decided to follow a routine everyday which means getting up from the bed, taking a shower.... not sitting in the bed..because if I do that I will do the same thing next day".
I resonated with this thought a lot. Although it maybe difficult to go out during the pandemic, however if you can, do try getting up early (5 and 5.30 am) in the morning when there are relatively less people around and try going for a 30 mins walk. I have been doing this for the last week and it has helped me tremendously. My spouse and I also have a routine taking care of our dog, cooking, cleaning along with other household chores which keeps you physically active rather than falling into despair. Keeping a routine may seem like a very mundane thing but can be very motivating in times when one is struggling with emotional turbulence.
As for research work, I started with writing this blog piece which usually takes me a day but this time took me 3 days. I keep a lot of gap between different work tasks to give my mind some rest. I have many unfinished tasks which I have noted down on a paper. I have decided to start with the easy ones and given myself the week for it. So, I decided to work on them everyday for about 30 mins. Not all days are the same so, I might work a little more one day and little less the next but the aim is to work everyday even if it's just half a day.
I also have a writing group which I have not joined in over a month. One of my writing mate encouraged me to come back to it. The first few days, I did not write much but on the third day I managed to write continuously for about an hour.
In the End
I am motivated to find hope again and continue to carry on my research because I have good reasons and purpose that drives me.
In the end, wish you well with the hope that you may find the light at the end of the tunnel soon enough. Just keep looking for it and do not give up. Do share your thoughts on struggling through or overcoming difficult emotions in the comment section. It may be something that I am yet to try and may help others like you and me.
Note: There is a difference between a clinically diagnosed mental health disorder and feeling depressed. In case of the former, it manifests itself physically where you are unable to do your day to day tasks, may experience suicidal thoughts among others. In that case, it is necessary that you talk to a mental health professional like psychologists and get a diagnosis. Following is a free helpline link that you can read about and connect with a professional over phone who may address your concerns. website link: https://icallhelpline.org/what-is-icall/ Phone no: 022-25521111
Brilliant and very relevant! I like the style of writing that is so easy to read and not intimidating. Keeping up a routine is something I resonate with. That's the only thing that's keeping me sane and healthy. Growing and experimenting with plants is in my toolkit to deal with anxiety.
ReplyDelete@Emaya - Thanks for your patient reading and engagement. I think gardening is a common activity among many academicians. It perhaps has to do with the fact it is situated in the confines of your house and helps to get away from work for that moment
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