Literacy based Summer Camp:  Warangal, Telangana

The literacy-based summer camp evolved from my doctoral thesis that examined children at the margins’ school and out-of-school literacy. The thesis concluded that perceptions about children at the margins continue to guide pedagogy (memorisation and textbook-based) in the school; the hegemonic presence of school and its pedagogy also guided adults' perception of children outside the school. Children locked between school’s strict reading and writing pedagogy, where marginal children’s personal meaning has no space in formal pedagogy, the gap between school and home-based modalities continued to increase. Nevertheless, children continue to express themselves in in-between and out of school spaces of the school, in their home languages, through translanguaging, or multimodal forms. 

The literacy-based summer camp evolved to continue to create a space for children to express themselves in multiple forms, connecting children’s out-of-school context to their school, which may help bridge the gap between their various contexts and school-based reading and writing. Given my own language limitations, I used Hindi and English. Nevertheless, children were free to use Telugu (the language of the region), Dakhini or mix languages freely. In case I could not understand a word, other children become translators, supporting each other. The activities used in the camp are designed taking into account children’s interests, freedom of movement in the classroom, group work, thinking time and elements of joy. 

The summer camp is held in the same school as my doctoral site, i.e. the Victory High School. The principal has generously allowed me to stay in the school (in a guest room). The principal, with the help of teachers, selected 8 struggling (or as the school calls them “Weak”) children, each from class 6, 7 & 8 (ages 10 to 14 years). The reason for this is that, as I found in my doctoral study, due to a lack of social capital, often children from minority, historically marginalised backgrounds occupied these positions. I used the same criterion to select children for the camp, too. 

We use one of the classrooms for our camp, which runs from 9 to 12 pm Monday to Friday. Although I had planned week-long activities for the 3-week engagement. The number of children, their participation (each child comes at a different hour), meant I had to think on my feet, and the plan changed every day.  

Day 1: The highs and lows

After much preparation, coordination, and travel, the day of the camp finally arrived. I was excited and looking forward to seeing a lot of children. Before the children arrived, with the help of school staff, the benches were rearranged in a circle. I then waited for the children to show up. 

By 9.10 am, there was still no sign of anyone. Slowly but surely, two boys arrived. Mohammed and Khwaja. Both are 13 years old and have just finished their 8th-class examination. They came in shy and sat together on one of the benches. While we waited for other students to come, I had to think on my feet and replan my schedule. We began making origami birds. Khwaja was the son of a school staff member, Sabina. In our interaction the other day, his mother mentioned that she had three kids. Khwaja had a twin who was smarter than him. She said it's perhaps true what they say, one twin is slower than the other, suggesting Khwaja was slow. She said he tries to read and puts in a lot of effort, but does not remember much. Throughout the day, I continued to hear perceptions of adults (Principal, parents) around children, which were mostly negative. Mohammed, on the other hand, was the brother of a previous student I had worked with last year and already knew me from his sister. In fact, when Mohammed mentioned his sister, I saw the resemblance. I felt grateful that the children I had earlier interacted with me left feeling positive and encouraged their siblings to interact with me. 

Introductions

By this time, another child had joined us, Jyoti. She quickly picked up the ropes and was much faster in understanding the folds of the origami bird than the boys. However, I could feel that she felt out of place a little, being the only girl in class. Next, we moved to introductions. This involved a dance movement, sharing their name and one interesting fact about themselves. I started the activity to put them at ease. After a dance move, I shared my name and, as an interesting fact, told them about my dog, who has made me empathetic towards street dogs. When it came to children, they felt embarrassed to perform a dance. I think perhaps it was too much to expect these young adults to feel comfortable in their bodies, and especially in a school context. Nevertheless, Jyoti pitched in; she performed her dance move with ease. Her interesting fact was, “Even if I am not a Christian, I go to church, because of my friends, who are Christian”. Motivated by Jyoti, Mohammed, who did not want to dance, but shared (in Dakhini)  that “he had a pet who stays with him and often goes places but comes back”. Mohammed encouraged Khwaja to speak up, who looked terrified and struggled to speak a word. Mohammed then pointed out that Khwaja swims. I did not want him to feel unnecessarily worried and moved to another activity. 

What does "Safe" mean to you?

I wanted children to devise their own rules for the camp. To align the rules to a common goal, I wrote the word “Safe” and asked all three of them what it means to them. This activity was inspired by Jane Sahi’s book, “In our Own Words” (2015). Children slowly and surely began to voice their ideas. I had to continue to point out that they need to think of the word from their own experience. 

Children's notions of the word "Safe"

Children continued to find it difficult to get the right spellings, so I encouraged them to ask me. Jyoti also spoke in Telugu, which we worked together to translate into English. The languages of children continue to be an important part of the way they express and what they express. Removing “a” language from the classroom opened up children’s expression, created room for dialogue, and queries. There is no doubt that it would have further helped if I spoke Telugu. 

Values of the Summer Camp

Next, we moved to creating rules of the classroom. Children found this activity initially difficult. I encouraged them to think and mull over the rules that will make them feel safe in the classroom, like in their homes. Slowly, they began to add their ideas. We finally ended up with the following rules for all of us.

Children's rules/values of the camp

The Interview 

For the next activity, children had to interview each other on three questions. These included, “How will you describe yourself?” “What do you like to eat the most?” “What kind of things do you do after school?” “One thing you could change around you?” While the two boys noted the questions in their books, a new child entered the class with his father. The father, upon seeing me, began to tell me in front of all the other children how slow his ward was and how if I made him read and write, he would pay me Rs. 1000. During this time, I continued to look at Salim. He looked visibly upset and on the verge of tears. I told the father that his belief in Salim was very important to make any improvement, and each child knows something. My response, perhaps, made him feel a sense of empathy for Salim. He put his hand on his son’s shoulder and agreed. He left the classroom, and I got Salim to learn origami birds from his peers, distracting him. Or so I hoped.  

The other children continued to interview each other, and I made notes of what they were doing.  Mohammed’s responses included watching Warangal Diaries after school (a multilingual web series). He loved eating biscuits with tea and liked to eat biryani. He said he would also like to change his cycle to a better one. Khwaja, on the other hand, said he loved to eat burgers, liked to watch and play cricket. He also spoke about mistakes he made in his writing and how he finds it difficult to keep up with his handwriting. When I enquired further, he said he found it difficult to remember things as well as when he tries to write a “O”, if often becomes an “F”. I am no expert on special needs, but from what I know, Khwaja perhaps needs a specialised diagnosis. I am still looking into this, given that his family does not have the resources to pay for it. 

In between this activity, Javed came to school. One of the children I had worked with during my doctoral study, he also became an integral case study in my thesis. At first, I could not recognise him, given how much he had grown in terms of his height. It was really nice to see him. He is now working at a medical shop and is preparing for further professional studies. I asked him to get other children to come to school. When I enquired about his paintings, an art he had earlier spent hours practising, he said he had left it, given the lack of time because of studies. I encouraged him to continue it and offered to display them at our exhibition on 23rd May.

Javed continued to participate in our activities; however, I could see that the activities did not really interest him. Nevertheless, he was kind and supportive of other children.

Writing Prompt: Aliens want to visit Earth

For the next activity, I gave them a hypothetical situation where everyone on earth had died, and they were the only people left on earth. The aliens who came to Earth wanted to know what life on Earth is like. We are the only examples they have. Children wrote a few sentences to this prompt. 

The image below contains children’s responses to the writing prompt. While all of them wrote about their family, Salim, to my surprise, was the most creative. In his response, he asked aliens not to come to Earth, as it was not a very good place. His reasons being people fight, get beaten up, and it's very hot. Salim took a lot of time to write his letter, often seeking help from his peers to get the correct spelling. Nevertheless, he managed to write an absolutely original response. 

Children's description of life on Earth

Storytime

Moving on, I read the story of “Useless Mr Sadanand” by Satyajit Ray to the children. Children did not enjoy this story much, and I had to stop midway. I realised that they needed better stories. For this purpose, I finally received the books (via Speedpost) I had gathered to create a reading corner (suggested by Geetha M, a PhD peer). This perhaps might work better than reading a story to them. 

Feedback Circle

We ended the camp with a feedback circle. Although children often found it difficult to express things they did not like, I encouraged them to speak openly. Khwaja finally said that they did not like the Sadanand story. They requested more origami computer-based activities. 

I've been trying to arrange for computers in the school for a while now. Although the school has a computer lab, internet access is denied to children. On digging further, I was told that the management does not think it is appropriate for children to use the Internet, especially “these” children whose parents might create an issue if they create a nuisance. “These” has come to mean many things, including the lack of judgment, ability, capacity, etc., for not just children but the community as a whole around the school. Even when a computer personnel agreed to connect the internet with the computer, at a nominal fee, I was asked, “Is it worth the price?”

This perhaps is the question, that left me deeply troubled. Who decides the worth of anything? The question of literacy is unquestionably entangled with the politics of power. I realised that some of these questions of worth, also need to enter the activities of the summer camp and children need to start thinking of it and take action themselves.

Note: All names are pseudonyms.

Need for Empathetic Mentorship for Diverse Doctoral Student Needs   

A few weeks ago, I attended an online session on "Women of Color Mentors and Leaders in Academia" organised by the Department of Teacher Education at Michigan State University (MSU). The focus, as the title suggests, was to address challenges that women of colour, as early career researchers face in universities across United States. The discussions nonetheless brought attention to issues within academia that are perhaps relevant to graduate students across the world. The candid and honest conversations highlighted issues of mentorship, advice on negotiating current challenges and re-examining expectations based on personal goals in academia. 

I discuss some of the ideas from this session that were insightful because they made me critical of my own experiences as a Doctoral student in higher education or made me realise struggles of historically marginalised groups in such institutions. Others that inspired or left me with a new understanding. 

1. Mentorship

Speakers shared challenges of different kinds as faculty within academia. All however, agreed that the challenges they face now as Faculty are intimately connected with the quality of mentorship they received as Doctoral students. Through their many experiences, the speakers pointed at the need for supportive mentors and safe spaces in higher education to discuss issues that can cater to needs of especially underrepresented groups within academia.  

The experiences that speakers shared not only highlighted areas of necessary support but also guidance on ways to provide such support. Conferences, as a speaker shared, can be an overwhelming space. It requires presenting one's research in concise ways, networking with professors or other students towards collaboration or career opportunities. Skills that should be learnt while pursuing PhD. At the institution level these are often left to the purview of peer group discussion or worse are not seen as challenges as at all. They are also rarely discussed between the supervisor and student. Doctoral students with academic social capital are able to take advantage of such organised event within academia, others with little or no exposure or support, continue to be disadvantaged. A speaker discussed how in the context of international conference, coming from Asian cultures where "respect" is a big part of our interaction with teachers, students often find it difficult to talk to professors up close. This can be especially challenging when interacting with professors from European or North American universities where lines between formal and informal conversations are  blur e.g. in a formal meeting with faculty talk about one's family life or weekend plans are common.  

The session panelist spoke about ways, they are mentoring their students through some of these challenges. For example, accompanying Doctoral students at conferences to introduce them to other faculty in the field, ease them through the process at different formal/informal gatherings. 

In another case, a panelist spoke about her hesitation to highlight her vast accomplishments in the field as part of a committee that she was a chair of. The hesitation she highlighted stemmed from her cultural heritage that promotes humility over self promotion. However, in not highlighting her accomplishments she was hurting her chances of being taken seriously in the committee. While as Doctoral students we may not have much research experience like the panelist, it is important to see ourselves as part of a community that is thinking through questions in our field. Knowledge is not fixed but is always in the process of creation. For example, what questions does a text written by an academic in our field raises for us, given our experience of the world? Does it add to that experience or ignore it? how? These can also be questions that can be used for beginning conversations.  

Source: shared by Dr. Felicia Wu

Dr. Felicia Wu, a distinguished faculty at the Department of Food Sciences and Human Nutrition at MSU provided some useful ways to meander through the conference chaos. She suggests being observant and picking up social cues from others around us. "When in Rome, do as the Romans do". Overcoming our fears and making an attempt. I am an introvert and conferences always make me feel socially awkward. Over the years with trial and error, some strategies that I use are - to read up the conference attendee list. Read about academicians in my field, write to them and fix a time to meet with them during the event. Many academicians do not respond however, some always do. This helps in preparing for the networking on one conversation rather than having to talk around a group of people. Dr. Wu's last suggestion is very powerful. i.e. UNITE for strength. For me this means, helping each other out. For example, connecting people of similar interests, a safe space for people to express themselves in their own way, sharing ways of over coming common challenges, being empathetic towards someone having a bad day, and many more. 

2. Mentors come in all Forms

A panelist spoke about her social position as a first generation university student who could never develop a professional relationship with her supervisor. She detailed how some of her challenges were unique, uncommon to even her peers. In such a scenario, she never felt comfortable discussing them with peers or her supervisor. This made her Doctoral journey very challenging. She said this experience left her feeling less confident and feeling uncomfortable when put in a position of a leader or mentor. However, she said that she found her mentors who helped her through her PhD among the women of colour in the administrative staff of her department, highlighting that mentors are not limited to supervisors or teachers. They can be people all around us who make us feel empowered.

3. Constant Pressure to MultiTask and Perform

Many shared concerns about mental health especially with the constant stress of performing multiple different tasks e.g. publishing, mentoring, grant proposals, research, family, teaching, grading and many more. However, all panelist voiced a common advice i.e. decide your purpose and goal that gives meaning to you. Taking time off to engage in other hobbies can be very rewarding. Life can be as busy as we make it but is it worthwhile? Does it bring us joy? 

Source: shared by Dr. Desiree Qin

4. Many Identities

We inhabit many identities e.g. a woman, student, daughter, academic, citizen, etc. Often these identities are confined to certain spaces or relationships with people around us. Dr. Sohyun An, Professor of Social Studies at Kennesaw State University shared how her emotional bond with her daughter who raised many questions and concerns while growing up, shaped her concern for the world and subsequent professional life. She identifies herself as a mother scholar, Asian American (among others), identities that come together in her work. This has also shaped her writing which informs teachers and educators about the history of her community and ways this history can be taught in classrooms, while being sensitive to children's family backgrounds.

The speaker's many identities coalesced to create a beautiful 🌈  of ideas that has the potential to change the world around her.  

Conclusion

The session created a safe space to discuss challenges of many kinds that I have personally experienced during my Doctoral studies. It was a cathartic as well as empowering event. In a way, the speakers' and attendees' temporary relationship became that of a mentor and mentee where these roles often became dynamic. 

Our common challenges within academia helped us embrace our differences and identities. In addition, the shared ways of negotiations created knowledge in a less  discussed area. i.e. mentorship for underrepresented social groups in academia.  

Challenges are an opportunity to build resilience, shaping our moral compass and skills. However, these can only happen if one has the tools/strategies to analyse and choose the best course of action. The development of which requires empathetic guidance and mentorship which is missing in our current Doctoral programs where PhD degree has been reduced to quantity of research progress than socially meaningful progress.

Acknowledgements: Access to the session was made possible through the Fulbright Nehru Visiting Fellowship at Michigan State University and Dr. Jungmin Kwon at Department of Teacher Education. I am grateful to Dr. Felicia Wu, Dr. Desiree Qin and Dr. Sohyun for giving me permission to share their slides and work respectively. 

 

Ollie on the Train!

After months of scouring through various possibilities and weighing options which included prospective pet boarders in Warangal, friends who might be able to care for ollie in our absence, we finally, with much anxiousness, decided to take Ollie - our 9 months old kukur (dog in Bengali) with us from Warangal to Mumbai and back on a train for a family wedding. 

The Uncertainty

Much of the anxiousness came from our concern for his health. We were advised by several dog lovers and professionals to avoid taking him on a long journey as this can cause him tremendous stress and anxiety. However, we had no options in our current city to leave him in safe hands. The condition of pet boarding houses in Warangal is pathetic. We visited several of them in the last 4 months where dogs are confined to a cage to relieve themselves as well as eat. Often people with no animal training are left to their care who often beat the cage with a long stick when the animal howls, barks or makes any loud noise. We were informed that they are taken out once a day for a walk however from the looks of it, I was not very convinced. This is because these boarding places are located in a residential area with little space to move around or take any noise. 

In case of trusted friends, they were worried about travelling during the pandemic and others had prior commitments or were unsure if they could care for ollie for over a week.  

Having left with no other option (known and possible), we decided to make the journey with mixed feelings. We would often sit late into the night rethinking our decision, especially since it affected another life who could not have his say in it. In the meantime, I plunged myself into research looking for articles, information and blogposts of others who might have done so before us. I was not disappointed. I found several helpful videos on YouTube in Hindi of people sharing ways pets can be transported via Indian trains. I connected with a friend on Facebook who had successfully managed to transport his cat from Mumbai to Bangalore. While all these experiences helped in understanding the process, they were still experiences of transporting small pets (under 10 kgs). Given that Ollie is about 30 kgs, I was unsure of the space and discomfort it may cause to him as well as the co-passengers on a relatively long journey. Also if we had to take him down on a station in between the journey, would this be permissible? All my worries were resolved when I read about the couple who transported three indie dogs along with their 9 month old baby between Delhi and Goa on the Indian Train. This also gave me the much needed boost of confidence after which there was no looking back. We were ready for a 909 kms journey from Kazipet station (Warangal) to Lokmanya Tilak Terminus (Mumbai) in 15 hours (one way) with 3 ten minutes stops in between (this is crucial as you will know later).

Planning for the Journey

We booked our tickets in First class A.C on Vishakhpatnam Express, as animals can only be transported in this compartment with the owner. Alternatively, there is a dog box in the luggage compartment. However, this is not a good option especially since you cannot take the dog out in between the journey which will cause a lot more stress to the pet. 

2 weeks before the journey we prepared an Ollie bag with all his toys, dog food, treats, travel bed, animal wet pads, food bowl and water mug, blanket, several empty plastic bags to safely transfer his stools or other bodily fluids in the bin.  

A day before the journey I went to the local Kazipet station to check for documents, space organisation - so that we know where to wait with our luggage on arrival without causing much inconvenience to others, and speak to the parcel or other officers for any rules on transporting pets in the train via railway platforms. However, on my arrival to my utter disbelief, the parcel officer who by chance I found at the reservation counter, plainly told me, "You cannot take your dog via train, in COVID, rules have changed". He then left. I was taken aback. I spoke to the other railway officer at the counter who was sympathetic. He told me to speak to him again, perhaps more nicely (not that I was not before). He was just being difficult. As much as I was infuriated by all this, I also knew that I had to maintain my composure to get things done. The same officer also informed me that there was a station inspection on-going and that the parcel officer maybe unavailable or busy at the moment, only if I wait, I could still meet him. I bought a platform ticket and tried to speak to some others at the station. All of whom directed me to the parcel officer.  

In the parcel office, I tried to reason with the him. He inquired about my booking and if I had booked a coupe which we had. However, since we were two of us travelling with the dog we had to select a two seater coupe instead of the regular four seater. Only then could the dog travel with us. Since we had not done so, he was adamant that we could not travel with the dog. By now, the group of inspectors made their way in our office. The parcel officer from his unswerving self had become unfurled. The inspector inquired about my case and immediately asked him to carry forward the procedure. I was informed that there were no change of rule and that I could carry Ollie with me only if I had a coupe for two. The inspector asked one of his colleagues to follow my case and make sure we get the desired seats before the chart is prepared for the next train. He even game me his number if case of any trouble. It is only after I left the station that I realised how lucky I was. This also restored some faith in the system. There are some who want to create unnecessary trouble and then there are others who with their sense of duty undo such efforts and make it work. 

Day of the Journey

Ollie's ticket had to be bought from the parcel office on the same day. So we planned to leave the house atleast 90 mins (its only 10 mins to the station from my house) before the train. However, the taxi that Rakesh was to take the luggage in came late, the auto that Ollie (does not like cars) and I were to take also delayed us. When we finally reached the station, a number of dogs at the station met us with much furore. Ollie too wanted to join the action and kept leaping at them. In all of this commotion, we lost about 30 mins. I left Ollie, Rakesh and the luggage to the parcel office. Only my arrival, I was asked to submit photocopies of my Aadhra card, ticket and vaccination certificate of ollie, all of which I had in original but not photocopies. I had visited the station to check for all these details a day before but the said officer did not divulge any of this information then. Luckily again, the inspector had sent one of his colleagues Mr. Balagopalan to the parcel office, he took images on his phone of the necessary documents and got us Ollie's ticket in the nick of time. Not just that, he came with me to get Rakesh and Ollie to the platform and into the assigned coupe. He was extremely helpful and also the reason that our distance from the station to the train was hassle free and smooth. We are immensely grateful for his assistance. I thanked the inspector once we settled in only to divert attention to the next task starting at us with imposing eyes.

where have you got me?

Ollie got onto the train easily in all the hurry however, putting him at ease within was a challenge. Once we managed to push our two big suitcases under the berth and keep our handbags away, we filled the coupe with Ollie's favourite toys, food and bed. Nevertheless, he would often jump on our seats and sit next to us. 

Ollie's space in the coupe

I am not going down!

We gave him his favourite treats, caressed him, offered him boiled eggs (his favourite), and played with him through the journey. 

playing ball in the train

He was definitely overwhelmed, hyperventilating often and would bark especially at vendors and passersby. Nonetheless he never made any fuss when the T.T came in. We still do not know why! I may be imagining this but perhaps he may have some minuscule amount of intelligence..:-)  Whatever it is, it did save us the trouble we could have had. One of us (mostly Rakesh) stayed up at all times to avoid Ollie making much noise as one of the rules stated that if a co-passenger complains about the dog, we could be forced out of the train. All of this kept us on our toes. 

Rakesh looking after Ollie

We had the timetable for the train, so 2 to 3 minutes before the big junctions and long halts we would take him near the door. I took him on the platform, walked him around so that he could stretch his legs, and also relive himself. Not once during the journey he soiled the coupe or the train. The movement of the train made him nervous and uncomfortable. He made a little fuss to get back on the train but got used to it by the next station. He made friends with some people on the train and would jump with joy to meet them every time they crossed ways (this was very often given the closed space).

Reaching Mumbai   

By the time we reached Mumbai, all of us were tired. Thankfully the Mumbai station was the terminus so that we could get down in our own time. We were again met with howling set of dogs at the station but Ollie was too tired to react. Seeing this, they soon lost interest and left. We had to wait at the station for awhile before we could meet Pratik (my brother) who was coming to pick us up. Ollie was calm (perhaps very tired) throughout all of this and walked out of the station with much gusto. On meeting Pratik, he became instantly playful. They were meeting after 7 months and maybe Ollie remembered him from his childhood. 

With the rain still pouring, we packed ourselves and the luggage into the car. Shaking violently, Ollie soon got all the water off himself and on to us. However, this was a smaller concern to the one we were informed after settling in. The car was about to run out of gas. With Ollie in the car, rains refusing to die down and the fuel light on the dashboard getting brighter by the passing second, we knew we were up for yet another adventure! One that our tired bodies embraced happily having successfully survived one.

 

Experiences of Conducting Qualitative Interviews

Many of us working with qualitative research methods may have undertaken field interviews for our research questions. Interviews like any other method require preparation. This means preparing questionnaires in accordance with research questions and research participants, along with ethical review of these questions. Researcher's prior assumptions or experience with the field/participant community shapes the nature of questions and its language (including style and tone). However, carrying out the actual interview with people in their own context requires additional attention and knowledge on themes that can only be acquired during the interview process. Ways of building trust with the participant, reactions of the community to the questions or the interviewer, communicating the rationale of the research to different people, skilfully engaging an unresponsive participant or leaving the site ensuring no harm comes to the participants are only some of the many facets of the interview process that require careful consideration. 

Engaging in the qualitative interview process is very much like learning a new form of art. One that takes a keen sense of observation, patience and most importantly practice.

In learning this form of art, I used qualitative interviews to understand the lives of people in the old city of Hyderabad, school teachers' perceptions of their own authority, questions around the safety of women at a crowded bus depot, phenomena of body part covering among young women (of different religions) in Hyderabad and a Dalit student's struggle to access knowledge at a university. Each interview was unique given the topic, context of our conversation as well as the opportunity to practice and hone my qualitative interview skills. 

Below I describe some crucial facets of the process, my mistakes and things I learnt in the process.   

 

1. Introduction to the Participant/s

A friend's father was a school principal in a state run school. Through them, I was able to access all the teachers in that school. On the day of the interview, the principal introduced me as a Doctoral student in a reputed university who wanted to talk to them about their work. The interviews were held in the principal's office. The office was quite spacious with a sofa and chair in one corner and, a desk and chair in the middle of the room. While for the most part I was able to talk to teachers without any disruption, from time to time the principal and other administrative staff also used the room for discussions and other work. Given the nature of space and presence of the principal during our conversations, I was skeptical whether teachers will be able to speak openly. However, to my surprise teachers and the principal shared a very healthy relationship wherein teachers criticised the general working conditions of teachers and parents' lack of involvement in children's education. Although, no mention was made about the day-to-day functioning of the school. 

It is during one of these interviews, a teacher questioned my knowledge of Hindi, taunted me on my lack of preparation and my privilege that brought me opportunities. I found out during the course of the interview that the said teacher was unable to fulfil his own desire of pursuing higher education. He was held back  because of responsibilities towards his family that required him to take up a job. My visit to the school and affiliation to the principal had triggered unpleasant memories, unfulfilled expectations and anger. This teacher's responses were sharp as a knife that made a deep cut. He detailed the way poor are taken advantage of in a market economy and then are blamed for not doing enough to better themselves. It felt as if, he was reliving moments from his life while he spoke to me about the living conditions of poor children. His responses were charged with emotions. 

In that moment, being deeply aware of my position (i.e. class, caste and researcher), I garnered the strength to overcome my embarrassment and listen to him. The teacher's words and perspective made me uneasy and disheartened. I wondered if my presence at the school had been rather disruptive. Why should this teacher not have the opportunity to pursue his dreams? The unjust nature of our society stared at me through that teacher's eyes. While I went through an array of emotions during that interview, I was also aware of the four more subsequent interviews I had planned for the day. It was difficult in that state of mind to carry on. However, the other teachers I spoke with, were different people and so were their perspectives. A young teacher lamented similar issues in the school but she also shared situations and ways that she was overcoming or negotiating the issues. This sense of purpose and hopefulness made it a little easier to carry out the interviews. This teacher clearly helped me find purpose in my work that day.

2. Subjectivity of the Interviewee

As a novice, I was fortunate that people often trusted in me to share their thoughts and stories. Especially, when I interviewed people who were let down by our institutions. They were very keen to share their side of the story. Nonetheless, I also met people who understandably did not trust me. 

Few years back, I was trying to interview a 18 year old girl in a marginalised area of a city about her ideas on education. We met in a non-profit organisation's office. She seemed very guarded. Before I could speak, she had several questions for me to respond to. These included the way I would use the interview data, the nature of my interest in her life and my own background or affiliation. When my responses did not satisfy her she refused to engage. I tried to humour her, changed the way I asked her my questions however, she sat there determined not to speak. Ultimately, I gave up. That's when I saw a smile on her face. With having decided to end our conversation, I wished her best and parted ways cordially. 

In a second interview at the same organisation, I interviewed another 20 year old girl. During the course of the interview I got to know that she had been married off when she was barely 14 and had lost a child when she was only 15. My questions reminded her of a life that could be, her unfulfilled expectations. The tears in her eyes could not measure up to her years of unbearable pain. Had I known her circumstances, I perhaps could have made informed choices about the way and kind of questions I asked or have someone familiar from the organisation accompany me during the interview. In that moment, I tried to reassure her, gave her some water, reminded her of the steps she is taking to take control of her life through the organisation but I knew deep down I had unsettled her.  

This incident brought me face to face with a very troublesome reality of our society. I did not expect the occurrence of child marriage in urban areas however, here I was facing a victim who had been traumatised by this evil. It is important that we keep in mind that individual's subjective identity is shaped by their circumstance. As researchers we need to develop the skill to interview different individuals with their unique identity and way of interaction. 

3. Maintaining Objectivity

Qualitative interviews like any human interaction require connecting with our participants at an emotional level. Researcher's response to the interviewee's words can be a deciding factor if the participant feels judged or comfortable. This has repercussions on the kind of information the participant is willing to share or not. This response can be as subtle as a change in tone or a sly smile that may last a second but may reveal a lot about the individual's state of mind and thought. This means that while the researcher will have to develop an emotional connect with the participant, on the other hand, she will also have to check her own response.   

I remember talking to an old woman sometime back who during the interview mentioned her drinking habit. I did not say anything in response but she had noticed the surprise on my face that had perhaps lasted barely a second. She chuckled and said, "why, are you the only one who can?" This certainly embarrassed me however, it also made me question my morality that shaped the way I saw the world and people in it.   

The process of research requires an open mind to new ideas, thoughts and patterns that may be drastically different from the researcher's own socialisation. One confronts this value most frequently during the data collection process. 

4. Researcher's Background and Implications

 

On the field, it is important to realise that when one enters a communal space, one is under constant observation and scrutiny by the participant and other community members. One's behaviour and actions determine the way community members may interact or not. Actions however are not the only things under observation, one's clothes and accessories (devices or jewellery) which may suggest the economic status,  caste, class of the researcher are all noticed. 

Long time back for my research, I used to visit the office of an organisation on a daily basis for almost a month. One day the woman in the office asked me about my fascination with black salwars. I was a little surprised, as I had not noticed until she pointed out that I had only been wearing black salwar with my kurtas to their office. From my perspective, black was an easy and cheap way to rotate it with varied coloured kurtas but from the perspective of women in the office who often discussed clothes in the office, my attire was certainly odd. Irony is, instead of blending in, I had made myself stand out. 

On a different occasion, my laptop became a source of attention in the field which although helped to establish affinity with the participant also end up wasting crucial of the limited interview time.  

5. Understand Reality and not Change it

I visited a muslim household with only the mother and girl child home. My intention was to speak to the 12 year old girl however, the mother continued to interrupt and continued to respond to questions addressed to her daughter. At one point I intentionally asked for tea so that the mother could leave the room for a while, letting me speak to the daughter alone. However, the house was small and the mother continued to speak from the kitchen. The girl also continued to look to the mother for any response. I left extremely frustrated believing that I may have to very well discard this interview set. When I returned back to my institution, I narrated the whole incident to my guide. He pointed out that the idea of an individual with views of the world and the way qualitative interviewing is taught in institutions is a western construction. He also added that many feminists doing qualitative research see women in the house as a single unit who have developed shared understanding with each other. 

This incident and subsequent others that involved interviews with women on public safety at a bus depot; ideas of education with men training to be professional electricians all made me question the imagined interview space and people or communities in it. It also made me question the epistemological and ontological process of research and implications on knowledge creation.   

6. Responding to Interviewee's Questions

During a focus group interview with teachers in a school's staff room where everyone in the room was older than me, one of the teachers asked me the question I had posed to her some moments back. In that moment, I was not sure what should be my response. I did not want to stir the conversation into a different direction. I was also aware that my response may influence the way others respond to my subsequent questions. Being put on the spot, I replied with what I truly thought on the topic. As I had expected, some teachers did quiet down. They did not speak much during the course of the interview. However, there were also others who immediately disagreed with me. Teachers' who were more experienced spoke freely while the younger teachers were a little more guarded. Given this was a government school, the job security also helped many speak frankly.

I think if we expect participants to trust us to share their thoughts with us which may place them in a vulnerable position, it is only right that we meet them half the way. One cannot escape the power play between the interviewer and the interviewee. Asking questions involves taking a position of power. When a researcher enters spaces where he/she may have no business, very often than not, interviewees are going to subvert the authority that the researcher assumes. This very often will involve that the researcher is subjected to questions about their life, and other intimate details which are a way for interviewees to find out the person behind the researcher and build trust. 

Working on a project in erstwhile rural Andhra Pradesh, I was made fun of the way I sat on the motorcycle. I was living in the village with a student's family and would often need to go to a nearby town to make some photocopies and use the internet.  The teacher from the school offered to drive me there. One of the evenings we were sitting with my host family and the teacher joked how as a girl I did not know 'the right way' to sit on the motorcycle which is with both legs on one side of the bike. Coming from the city, I had always sat with both my legs on either side of the seat. I found the whole thing stupid and let it go. But when the joke continued for a while and refused to die down, I got angry and fought back. My reaction also came from the knowledge that humour is often used as a tool to get women to comply with social norms and is one of the ways patriarchy works.  However, I soon realised that I was outnumbered in that context as others agreed with him. To my frustration, I became the target of jokes which I could do nothing about. Very soon I stopped reacting and continued to sit the way I knew best on the motorcycle. I am sure, I was still made fun of, but atleast it was not in my face.   

7.  Language 

In our on-going research practices we tend to design our questionnaires in English. This is mainly a result of the medium of instruction at the institution we are affiliated with. However, if one intends to conduct research in a regional language or among participants who either do not understand English or use it for limited purposes then it is useful to translate the questionnaire in the language of interview. In case, one intends to interview people of multiple languages, then it is useful to translate questions in all of these languages.

For a research, I interviewed teachers proficient in Hindi who used English bilingually. These teachers' world view and identity was connected with the regional culture. I was asking them "what they thought was their authority as a teacher?". In Hindi "authority" translates to अधिकार, रोब, 

हक़, 

or प्रमाण. Teachers reacted differently to the question based on the meaning of authority they associated with. Some teachers who associated authority with rights mentioned it to be dwindling. others who associated with रोब were very defensive and got angry when I suggested that teacher could have any authority. Given that my own ideas of authority were shaped by my readings in English, in my interviews I often try to associate authority with a teacher as a professional. However, I noticed that teachers did not see themselves as professionals. 

In my case, the diversity of meaning unearthed an interesting set of data. In a different research however, the multiple meanings can create misunderstanding. Translation of questions in regional languages and even dialects can help circumvent part of the problem.  

8. Developing Interview Skills

It is certainly useful to read research literature on qualitative interviews that may familiarise one with the ethical dimensions, data collection and storage techniques, transcription and translation of interviews, among others. Additionally, I have found observing skilled researchers carry out interviews a very educative process. Talking to people who are different from us and often with diverging world views is also useful. This forces one to find a common ground for conversation while overcoming one's own biases and reservations. Connecting with other qualitative researchers with experience in interviews can sometimes also help learn important tricks and tips of the process.

In any case, the above suggestions point at two crucial ideas, 1) close observation of human interaction and 2) learning ways to communicate with different people. 

Conclusion 

I hope this post was able to detail some of the facets of qualitative interviews that are necessary for researchers to be aware of and prepare for. These by no means are comprehensive and are limited by the context of my work and research focus. Researchers working with vulnerable groups like union leaders in a factory or with people who identify as transgender or gay, will have additional or varied dimensions to add to the interview process. In the end, only way to master the art of qualitative interviews are observation and practice.

P.S: Do you have experience in carrying out qualitative interviews? Do take the time to share any unique situation that left you with some learning about the interview process. 

 

Fulbright Fellowship Tips

Application and Interview Tips for Fulbright Nehru Doctoral Fellowship 

I was successfully awarded the 2021-2022 Fulbright Nehru Doctoral Fellowship. In preparing my application as well as appearing for the interview, blog entries of previous awardees helped a great deal. 

In reading other interview experiences and comparing my own, I realised that Fulbright committee's focus and subsequent interview questions change over the years. In addition, while most previous Fulbright interviews were held in person, since last year given the COVID-19 situation, interviews are being held online. I am sharing my application and interview experience here in the hope that it may help others. Do find links to other Fulbright awardee experiences in additional resources at the end. 

 

Preparing your Application 

The fellowship application requires submitting the following documents;

1. Online Fellowship form

This will require your standard academic details, institutional affiliation, research topic with short description, jobs held in the past, previous publications or research, among others. However, the most important question in this application is the choice of 3 possible U.S universities where you wish you pursue your fellowship and reasons for this choice. You can change these universities at a later stage once you are selected however, responses to this question will show the committee your commitment and knowledge not just towards the fellowship but also your research.  Both of which seemed important during the interview. This form also requires recommendation letters from atleast 3 academicians that you have previously worked with. The application mentions that it will be beneficial if the recommendations are from different institutions. Other documents include writing sample (choose an academic piece of writing like your M.Phil. thesis/assignment or a published paper), scanned copies of all your degrees from undergraduate until present. Given the details that need to be submitted with this application I suggest take a minimum of 2 weeks to complete this application. 

2. Research Proposal

Many students submit the research proposal that they design for their PhD program for the fellowship application. However, this is completely ineffective. It will be useful to submit a research project proposal for the duration 6 to 9 months (duration of your fellowship) which is part of your Doctoral work for the application. e.g. if you want to learn a certain kind of analysis or method with your guide at the host institution create a proposal for that. In my project proposal I introduced the importance of my research and relevance within the current education system, followed by an intensive literature review that supports my research questions and the kind of methods I wish to learn that will help answer the research questions. The interview committee appreciated the detailed literature review in my proposal.  

3. Statement of Purpose (SOP)

I have written SOPs for other admission and scholarships in the past. This experience came in handy for this application as well. I personally really like writing SOPs as this gives you a chance to reflect and relive important moments of your life. It gives you an opportunity to weave incidents, opportunities in the past that shaped your value system, motivated you to pursue your current area of research. Think of it like a story of your life with its twists and turns, suspense and drama that you are narrating to a very curious stranger. You need to find ways to keep the committee hooked so that they would like to meet you and know you more. I have spent sometime in U.K and Canada which I had mentioned in my SOP, I was asked questions about this experience in my interview (see interview questions below).

4. C.V

Apart from necessary details like academic record, publications, do include any kind of jobs that you may have undertaken in the past even if they are not directly related to your research. I believe that it helps the committee see different experiences that may have shared you e.g. I worked in a Café for sometime while in Canada which I mentioned in my C.V. Do also mention any volunteer work (online or in person) along with blog or other informal writing that you may have undertaken in the past.  

Once I sent my application, I received a confirmation email on my registered email address. It was after 2 months that I finally heard from the fellowship office about my selection for the interview.  

Preparing for the interview 

There are many blog posts about the possible fellowship interview questions and responses. It is useful to see the kind of questions you may be asked and prepare a mental script before hand. When I say prepare, I do not mean that one rehearse a prepared response, rather practice the responses so that during the actual interview you are able to recall the words, sentence structure, tone and style of response required. Let me explain this further. It has been a while that I spoke about my work, research or introduced myself to anyone. So while preparing for the interview, I struggled the most with the question, " Please introduce yourself". In order to overcome this issue, I started rehearsing the response to this question in my mind. I even scheduled 4 to 5 mock interviews with my siblings, friends and other professional acquaintances. Given the diversity and my relationship with the aforementioned individuals, they asked me different kinds of questions (I sent them the resources I have shared on the blog and requested them to ask questions from that list or any other). While with family and friends I was candid, with professional acquaintances I was rather serious which helped in learning to manage the stress of the interview as well and choose a right tone and style of response.  

Other preparation included studying the Fellowship website in detail, history of the fellowship and its purpose. I read through all the documents I had submitted for my application along with going through the websites of the universities I hoped to work with during my fellowship. 

I also prepared a list of questions that I thought I might ask a student if I was on the interview committee, along with the ones that previous year's awardees had shared in their blogs. 

Many aspiring students also get in touch with other Fulbright fellows (current or past) to learn more about the process. I did not personally do this but it may be a useful strategy for some. 

Interview Questions 

Following are the questions the committee addressed during my interview.

1. Tell us in brief about your research

2. Why have you selected this area of research?

3. In a linguistically diverse country like India, how does one convince teachers of multilingual education in classrooms?

4. You have selected Harvard University as a possible institution to spend your fellowship time in, could you tell us the kind of research that takes place in the centre that you wish you work in and how this relates to your work?

5. You seem to have spent some time abroad did you face any unpleasant experience during this time, how did you deal with it? 

6. The new National Education Policy 2020 was just announced, what do you think is its one major achievement and one drawback?

7. Your research aims to study digital educational tools, however there are many children in India who do not have access to digital tools, how does your research address this inequality?

I had a 5 member interview panel. 3 of whom had an academic background while the other two were from the Fulbright fellowship office. When I entered the online meeting room, I was greeted promptly and informed that I only had 15 mins for the interview. The above questions were asked in rapid succession and the expected respond was relevant and concise (3 to 4 sentences). Over the course of the interview, I realised that they appreciated honest responses which included accepting if you did not know something but are open to learning. The committee challenged you through their questions and tested your intelligence and presence of mind along with depth of your knowledge and passion for it. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and the questions. I started off a little nervous bit eased into the process. The committee overall was very pleasant and was genuinely interested to know about your work and individual experience. Some of them even had the documents I had submitted as part of my application during the interview as reference. 

I am currently waiting for the invitation letter from the university in U.S and understanding the process of visa and other details. Due to the pandemic things are a little messy and uncertain however, the Fulbright fellowship office is very supportive and prompt in their response. 

Wish you the best for your application and interview. If you have any questions do mention them as comments and I will respond to them at the earliest. 

Additional Resources

1. https://www.wemakescholars.com/blog/fulbright-scholarship-interview

2. https://www.phdfriend.com/

3. https://www.braingainmag.com/1318582336.htm

4. https://community.plantae.org/article/5412451673509463048/how-to-win-fulbright-postdoc-grant

5. https://usief.org.in/fulbrighter-story/fs.html

6. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/tips-fulbright-interview-from-pakistani-scholar-sidra-zia-butt/

7. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNzsg1G-XIc

P.S: Many thanks to Trishla Jain, Pratik Singla and Aastha Singla Agarwal who helped me prepare for the interview. Special thanks to Rakesh Sengupta for reviewing my SOP and being a patient sounding board through the process.

COVID-19: Finding Hope to Continue Research

 

COVID-19: 

Finding Hope to Continue Research

Photo by Joshua Woroniecki on Unsplash

Countless times over the last year, I've fallen in despair, lost motivation and even contemplated discontinuing my research. The raging pandemic has made life uncertain. I am tired of communicating through devices, missing my family and friends, and the constant stress of keeping oneself safe while trying to maintain a sense of wholesomeness to continue my research. It is crazy! Many of us continue to feel this way or have at some point during the pandemic.

In the last few months however, when I was most unproductive, I've also felt guilt. Guilt of having the privilege to stay home while many others die on the streets, in hospitals trying to access necessary supply of oxygen, life saving drugs, etc. How does one make sense of this extreme inequality and maintain any sense of sanity to continue research? I have struggled with this question everyday. In the process, experienced such level of despair that life truly felt hopeless. Nonetheless, I did manage to find the light at the end of the tunnel which is why I am writing this post. 

In order to find hope one has to fight the urge of wallowing in self-pity and actively struggle to find hope. Following are strategies that I have learnt and developed in the last year which have helped me manage my anxiety, despair and hopelessness. They are not arranged in any particular order or suggest a single solution to a particular problem. Choose and try them as you see fit. 

 

Advantage of Time

We often forget the advantage of time available to us as Doctoral students. There is often coursework in the 1st year of Doctoral studies which requires adhering to a timetable however, the following years give one the freedom to plan and schedule work at one's convenience. It is also important to realise that a Doctoral thesis is not a competition or comparison with others. While one's peers may finish their research proposal, start data collection or experimentation earlier than you because of several reasons, it is not in any way a reflection on your abilities as a researcher. Depth and not speed should be the measure of one's Doctoral work. If we are able to understand and work with this principle, it becomes easier to take a break from work when it is absolutely necessary. 

Letting yourself feel Hopelessness

In moments of helplessness, when one is unable to get any work done, thinking of research related tasks added to my stress and guilt. Alternatively, I just let myself feel all the negative thoughts I was trying to block away. I read about the COVID situation in India, the bodies floating across our holy rivers, the systemic failure. However, I also found individuals and organisations working to help wherever necessary. Organisations asking for volunteers to donate their time digitally or contribute monetarily towards their relief efforts. I found ways to help in this hopeless situation. 

I realised through this simple process that we are more resilient than we give ourselves credit. However, for us to find our resilience, we also need to feel all the negative emotions that we often do not want to experience, like despair or hopelessness. They are not easy to manage but if we continue to block them out we will always be ambivalent about them, mismanage them and worse still, let these feelings take over our lives again and again. 

Today and Tomorrow

There is enough research to show that stress and anxiety messes with our brains and suspends our abilities to take well reasoned decisions. Hence, the old wisdom, "Don't take decisions in the heat of the moment". 

I have as I mentioned earlier, contemplated quitting my research so many times in the last year but resisted the urge. Life would be so much easier if I just let go. No more research stress, no more writing or reading all of which require considerable mental effort. However, it may be necessary to remind ourselves of the purpose of research (considering you have one) and reasons of taking this path in the first place. Thinking about the long term plans now before taking any decision. It can be hard to think about long term especially when you are struggling with hopefulness, however do remember that this is not the first history altering event in the world, scientists continued to work in the middle of two World Wars, Cold war, the Indian independence struggle and the subsequent partition, to name just a few. 

Alternatively, if events such as the pandemic have shift your approach to life and future plans in general, why hold yourself back? If research is not the path for you, do take the time to think of alternatives that are informed by long term commitments and consequences. Whatever one decides let that inspire and challenge you!

Toolkit for Hopelessness 

Neil Boddington, a mental health advisor at Open University, U.K in a recently blogpost (find link below) shared the idea of creating a toolkit that helps one manage stress or overwhelming thoughts. The toolkit can comprise a number of things like books e.g. fiction, cartoons, short-stories; music or activities e.g. sports, painting, meditation, walking, gardening, playing with your pet, cleaning or organising your cupboard, writing a dairy entry about your feelings, etc. He suggests that more you add to your toolkit the more options you may have to become resilient. 

I personally have added books such as Calvin & Hobbes, Ruskin Bond, Roald Dahl, Satyajit Ray's short stories, historical fiction/non-fiction in my toolkit. Watched dog videos, history or other videos on YouTube. This is also the time to binge on Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney or other streaming services. Along with activities such as gardening, crafts like making useful stuff from waste, exercising (very occasionally), doodling or writing a blog such as this one in my toolkit. Tara Brabazon's YouTube channel has often helped me with research related issues (find link below). Not all options work at all times so having a variety is useful. 

Engaging in the above, helped me take my mind off anxiety, feelings of despair for that moment. This created space for calmness that made me feel positive, find solutions that were earlier far-fetched. Finding ways to deal with one's negative emotions left me feeling empowered.  

Links:https://thehootstudents.com/managing-our-worries-in-worrying-times/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwdaNGhdSAwzdztgLTqyhgA/about

Talk to People who Care

There is no doubt that it is important to find ways to manage negative emotions on your own to build resilience and find solutions to questions that may trouble us. However, talking to people around us may help us feel reassured, loved and cared through these troubling times for emotional strength, necessary to deal with negative emotions. Not everyone can relate to your worries or feel empathy for you as they may not really understand your perspective or be invested in your care. It is thus important to talk to people who you think genuinely care for you. I remember talking to my mother about my lack of research progress when she said, "It's ok, you will get to it eventually. Just take care of yourself now". It is not what she said, but the sense of care that I felt in her voice that made me feel better that day. On a different day, having my dog near me while I felt overwhelmed evoked a sense of care for him that made me forget about my own worries for a moment.    

In addition, talking to mental health professionals like psychologist, counsellors online or over phone can be very beneficial. It is a myth that one should approach such professionals only if you pass a certain threshold of emotional stability which is socially appropriate. Talking to mental health professionals, like I have done in the past, helps one see patterns in one's emotional journey that we are unable to identity. e.g. sometimes the way we see a problem triggers anxiety in us. A mental health professional can help us better understand the issues and help us find strategies to deal with it better. In addition, I have found talking to a professional who is unbiased and equipped with tools, genuinely cathartic.     

Picking up the Threads

Getting back to work after a long gap can be equally overwhelming. I've tried to jump back into the same routine which left me stressed and often with uncompleted tasks. It was rather helpful to start with only a few hours of work a day, with time to engage in things from one's toolkit (see section above). 

I was listening to Michelle Obama being interviewed (see link from 6.45) by Stephen Colbert. He was asking her about dealing with depression (see link below to understand how it manifests) which is very common now especially during the pandemic and many people have experienced some form of it. She mentions a routine that is very simple but can be very hard to follow especially when you have nowhere to go and no social commitments to keep. As research students this is especially common since one is not associated with a formal working environment  and one has to find ways to keep up motivation and work on their own. She says, "I decided to follow a routine everyday which means getting up from the bed, taking a shower.... not sitting in the bed..because if I do that I will do the same thing next day". 

I resonated with this thought a lot. Although it maybe difficult to go out during the pandemic, however if you can, do try getting up early (5 and 5.30 am) in the morning when there are relatively less people around and try going for a 30 mins walk. I have been doing this for the last week and it has helped me tremendously. My spouse and I also have a routine taking care of our dog, cooking, cleaning along with other household chores which keeps you physically active rather than falling into despair. Keeping a routine may seem like a very mundane thing but can be very motivating in times when one is struggling with emotional turbulence.  

As for research work, I started with writing this blog piece which usually takes me a day but this time took me 3 days. I keep a lot of gap between different work tasks to give my mind some rest. I have many unfinished tasks which I have noted down on a paper. I have decided to start with the easy ones and given myself the week for it. So, I decided to work on them everyday for about 30 mins. Not all days are the same so, I might work a little more one day and little less the next but the aim is to work everyday even if it's just half a day. 

I also have a writing group which I have not joined in over a month. One of my writing mate encouraged me to come back to it. The first few days, I did not write much but on the third day I managed to write continuously for about an hour.

Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-IR48Mb3W0

       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNCWIFesc4E

In the End 

I am motivated to find hope again and continue to carry on my research because I have good reasons and purpose that drives me.

In the end, wish you well with the hope that you may find the light at the end of the tunnel soon enough. Just keep looking for it and do not give up. Do share your thoughts on struggling through or overcoming difficult emotions in the comment section. It may be something that I am yet to try and may help others like you and me. 

Note: There is a difference between a clinically diagnosed mental health disorder and feeling depressed. In case of the former, it manifests itself physically where you are unable to do your day to day tasks, may experience suicidal thoughts among others. In that case, it is necessary that you talk to a mental health professional like psychologists and get a diagnosis. Following is a free helpline link that you can read about and connect with a professional over phone who may address your concerns. website link: https://icallhelpline.org/what-is-icall/ Phone no: 022-25521111

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash